Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
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If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
See..?
.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]