Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
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I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
tis the season
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.