Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
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Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc