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I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
fixed it
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.