HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
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Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
This is a whole mood;
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT