Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
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The big book of baby names but for safe words
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.