[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
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My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
quarantine day 3
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”