In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
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Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.