[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
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PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here