husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
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He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
this is how life feels
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I’m good, thanks.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”