Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
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How to keep the seat next to you empty.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*