Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
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*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I am, perchance
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”