[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
You Might Also Like
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
And then there were 4
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
the world’s most popular steaming services