Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
You Might Also Like
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??