When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
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“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.