Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
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Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.