*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
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[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme