[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
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Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
is this a threat
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.