If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
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I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
That’s fair
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”