I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
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Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.