Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
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DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down