Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
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[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!