I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
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I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
mumsnet is amazing
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I have never related to anyone more.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Room with a view.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
If you know, you know
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich