No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
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Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.