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It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.