Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
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At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I have a black belt in leather
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done