Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
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me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Get in loser we’re going crying
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Important
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too