They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
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Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Passwords are more important than ever.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)