Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
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Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.