There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
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Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.