When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
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[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I missed you with all my darts
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad