Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
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Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I ate everything, including the H.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.