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I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.