On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
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For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.