ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
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Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]