Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
You Might Also Like
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
584.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.