medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
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*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Strangers have the best candy.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I gave up going to work for lent.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?