The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
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When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
what’s really going on
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.