There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
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When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Anyone want a chair?
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Gods work.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security