My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
You Might Also Like
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I can fix him.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉