I hate my earbuds.
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Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
“Huge”.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.