“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
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I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
This is me 🤣🤣
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”