I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
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[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
🙀🙀🙀😹
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.