You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
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Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.