I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
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We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Rt to bother an English speaker
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting