I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
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ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
an octopus is just a wet spider
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]