I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
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8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Meowchelangelo
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.