My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
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What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*