The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
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“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Girl, same.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.