My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
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Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
How do you milk an almond?
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.